A safe Halloween is a fun Halloween. We want you to be safe this Halloween, and so we've put together a primer of supernatural creatures you can expect this year. Under no circumstances should you engage in any hostile activity with these creatures. Avoidance is the key to survival. If all else fails, you may be able to bribe them off with candy. Be vigilant -- forewarned is forearmed.
The Vampire
In its basest form, the vampire is a being that subsists on the essence of living creatures, typically blood. Depending on what part of the world they're from, they may look like gaunt humanoids with pallid skin and ghastly fangs a la Nosferatu; perhaps a handsome Slavic lord in the tradition of Bela Lugosi; a stiff corpse in regal dress like the jiangshi of China; or even angsty American teenagers who wear black and listen to Goth music. And then, there's also the penanggalan of southeast Asia -- a flying, bloodsucking human head attached to its stomach by its esophagus. In most traditions, vampires weaken in direct sunlight. Some go inert, some combust spectacularly like an effervescent leper in a hot bath, others merely sparkle and look none too happy about it.
 Count Orlok - "Nosferatu" |  Alucard - Konami's "Castlevania" |  *Lo Pan - "Big Trouble In Little China" |
Avoidance Method: Where do all the vampires go after Halloween? The short answer is they die out, as they cannot sexually reproduce, though anyone who tries might be a necrophiliac. This is good news for most people who fear vampire attacks, and bad news for fans of novels featuring twinkling teenage vampires.
*Note: Lo Pan is an ancient Chinese sorcerer, not a jiangshi -- but he sure looks like one, and is creepy enough, regardless.
*Note: Lo Pan is an ancient Chinese sorcerer, not a jiangshi -- but he sure looks like one, and is creepy enough, regardless.
The Werewolf
Sabrewulf - "Killer Instinct 2013" The werewolf is primal instinct distilled to its kernel. It does what it wants, when it wants, and cares nothing for what anyone might think. One look at it is enough to tell why this is so. The creature is an enormous wolf -- paws, fur, fangs and all. There is no negotiating with a creature whose job it is simply to hunt and eat.
The werewolf has a schizophrenic nature, because it's all these things described above only when the moon is full. During the day, a werewolf is -- by appearances -- a normal human being; perhaps even a shy one, someone who knows the truth about his terrible condition and tries his best to just to lead a normal life.
You never know who might be a werewolf. It might be the kid who bags your groceries, the lady at the makeup counter, the schoolteacher, or even the librarian. Well as you think you know them, don't be surprised if you catch them one night howling at the moon or urinating in public with reckless abandon.
The werewolf has a schizophrenic nature, because it's all these things described above only when the moon is full. During the day, a werewolf is -- by appearances -- a normal human being; perhaps even a shy one, someone who knows the truth about his terrible condition and tries his best to just to lead a normal life.
You never know who might be a werewolf. It might be the kid who bags your groceries, the lady at the makeup counter, the schoolteacher, or even the librarian. Well as you think you know them, don't be surprised if you catch them one night howling at the moon or urinating in public with reckless abandon.
Avoidance Method: It is commonly understood that werewolves dislike silver. Therefore, be sure to wear as much silver jewelry as you can. If you have no silver jewelry, then dinnerware will suffice so long as it's made from actual silver. Just be sure not to leave your house. Any embarrassing photos taken of you wearing your entire dinnerware set will remain on the Internet forever, and wandering into tough neighborhoods with all that flashy metal may prompt your getting mugged.
The Mummy
Egyptian mummy at British Museum - Wikipedia A mummy is the preserved remains of a once-alive creature, and Egyptian mummies are perhaps the best examples. Stiff, slow, smelly, and doomed to spend eternity wrapped in crusty toilet paper, there's little wonder why a mummy would hold a grudge against the living. What boggles the mind is how mummies actually kill people. Science has failed to provide an answer, although most folktales hold that the mummy's supernatural curse is what actually does the deed. The jury's still out on whether this is actually just superstition, but there are accounts of people who have died of fright upon seeing a reanimated mummy. We believe this has been the primary cause for the downturn in Egypt's tourism industry.
Avoidance Method: Mummies are persistent -- they will follow you everywhere. They are also notoriously slow. Forget running. All that will do is cause you tor trip and fall over anything on the ground that isn't flat. Falling down will provide the mummy a few moments to catch up. The best avoidance method is walking away briskly.
The Zombie
Simply put, zombies are mindless mobs of shambling creatures like those you'd see thronged at the mall on Black Friday. Their appearance ranges between that of a normal human being to a skeleton with shreds of flesh hanging from its bones. Some speak little more than grunts, but others drone nonsense constantly.
Avoidance Method: A zombie will leave you alone if it is fooled into thinking you are one of them. To create this illusion, you will need a great deal of money and time to prepare. First, learn everything you can about zombies -- their likes, what they want, et cetera. Facebook is a great resource for this; zombies have been known to spend several hours a day on that site. Then, spend all your money on trendy clothing, electronics, and accessories. When you are ready to implement your disguise, you must wear all these items at once, even if it cuts against your fashion (and common) sense.
As you move through places inhabited by zombies, you must occasionally rattle off the names of the latest pop or sports stars in three-word snippets -- any longer and you may ruin the illusion. Once you are safe, you must quickly remove your disguise and keep it out of sight. Behave like a zombie for too long and you risk falling prey to zombie sensibilities -- in short, you will become one of them.
Be safe this Halloween. Be vigilant.
As you move through places inhabited by zombies, you must occasionally rattle off the names of the latest pop or sports stars in three-word snippets -- any longer and you may ruin the illusion. Once you are safe, you must quickly remove your disguise and keep it out of sight. Behave like a zombie for too long and you risk falling prey to zombie sensibilities -- in short, you will become one of them.
Be safe this Halloween. Be vigilant.
