Since we're on a roll here with our Snark Attacks, take a look here at our treatment of the perennial fairy tale classic, Hansel and Gretel. Any witches in the audience are kindly requested to hurl stones at us only after we've been given a running head start.
Snark Attack: Hansel And Gretel
Once there was an old hermit lady who, having been a hermit all her life, decided to retire from the profession. She liquidated her 401K and pooled the funds with what little money remained from her hermiting days to retire in her prefabricated candy house in the woods.
That same day, two teenage degenerates with a penchant for littering traipsed into the woods. They were blithely unaware that they were trespassing on the hermit lady's land, and had they known, they would have cared not one whit.
These two degenerates littered the hermit's property with stale stale bread, which, apart ruining the aesthetic beauty of the woods, also habituated all the animals in the forest to being fed. This eventually led to the animals' inability to fend for themselves, and ultimately, their death by starvation.
Upon arriving at the hermit's doorstep, the degenerate siblings set upon the hermit's home and begin to devour it. The witch was furious that everything she had worked so hard for was quickly getting gobbled up by these two teens with entitlement issues. Despite that the odds were pitched against her, she heroically fended the children off and detained them in her home as she waited for the police to arrive. Her forest home being what it was, it was drafty, and so she started a fire. Unbeknownst to her, the wicked children freed themselves and shoved her, remorselessly, into the furnace. She died horribly, and no one cared.
Knowing it would not be long before the police arrived, the wicked children ate the address sign off the house before fleeing the scene. The police never came -- without an address sign, how was anyone to tell one candy house in the woods from any other candy house in the woods?
The years rolled on, and the hermit's home slowly collapsed on itself. The candy melted away to nothing with the seasonal rains, leaving only a patch of bare earth where once the hermit's house had stood. Adding insult to injury, a dentist is believed to have opened a practice on the site where the candy house once stood.
That same day, two teenage degenerates with a penchant for littering traipsed into the woods. They were blithely unaware that they were trespassing on the hermit lady's land, and had they known, they would have cared not one whit.
These two degenerates littered the hermit's property with stale stale bread, which, apart ruining the aesthetic beauty of the woods, also habituated all the animals in the forest to being fed. This eventually led to the animals' inability to fend for themselves, and ultimately, their death by starvation.
Upon arriving at the hermit's doorstep, the degenerate siblings set upon the hermit's home and begin to devour it. The witch was furious that everything she had worked so hard for was quickly getting gobbled up by these two teens with entitlement issues. Despite that the odds were pitched against her, she heroically fended the children off and detained them in her home as she waited for the police to arrive. Her forest home being what it was, it was drafty, and so she started a fire. Unbeknownst to her, the wicked children freed themselves and shoved her, remorselessly, into the furnace. She died horribly, and no one cared.
Knowing it would not be long before the police arrived, the wicked children ate the address sign off the house before fleeing the scene. The police never came -- without an address sign, how was anyone to tell one candy house in the woods from any other candy house in the woods?
The years rolled on, and the hermit's home slowly collapsed on itself. The candy melted away to nothing with the seasonal rains, leaving only a patch of bare earth where once the hermit's house had stood. Adding insult to injury, a dentist is believed to have opened a practice on the site where the candy house once stood.
