Let's face it: sex is a funny thing. It's important, and a serious thing that shouldn't be undertaken lightly, but it's funny too. It's funny because it's pervasive yet still taboo. Anything sexy sells: clothes, sappy high school summer comedies, even minivans. Everybody likes to gossip about it, but nobody likes to give their kids "the talk." Few people have any qualms reading smut or watching a porno, but nobody talks about openly and earnestly about sex because that makes us feel uncomfortable.
The purpose of this article is to make strides toward changing that. You're welcome to disagree about anything you read here. In fact, please do, as getting people to talk openly about sex is the point of this article. Just bear in mind that what we've written here are observations on how society thinks, and not necessarily our views.
It's funny that in a society as open as ours, we would clamp a taboo on something so basic as sex.
Sex has rules. Rules! Who knew? How isn't that funny? Who'd have thought that the very act that brought us into existence would be so restricted, or taboo, even. Sex is the very reason I'm writing this and you're reading this. For the most part, if it hadn't been for sex, we wouldn't exist.
First Rule of Sex: Don't have it, ever. But if you do have it, make sure you're married first. And when you're married and it's all right to have sex, don't enjoy it. After all, sex is duty. Sex is work. Sex is only for making babies, and it's a biological fact that only married couples are capable of producing children. (Not really.) It's not like anyone was ever conceived out of wedlock, (what does "wedlock" even mean?) or through a one-night stand. (That's an outright lie and we know it.)
Second Rule of Sex: Don't cheat on your significant other. Society heaps ample piles of steaming rebuke on cheaters, but only if they're average people like you and me, which leads us to...
Third Rule of Sex: Rule two does not apply if you are a character in a daytime soap opera, trashy teenage summer flick, smut book, or porno magazine. Society loves these people and encourages more of them.
As a corollary to rule three: If your aren't a fictional character, but you are rich or a celebrity, rule two still doesn't apply.
In that case, cheating on your lover is celebrated and -- dare I even go there -- an unwritten part of the job description. It will net you loads of money and public attention, especially if the act is caught on film and "inadvertently leaked without your authorization or consent" to the Internet.
Fourth Rule of Sex: Don't talk about it. Sex is fraught with hazards no sane person would risk. Diseases? Parenthood? (Dreadful!) And of course, there's that awful thing about sex that everyone seems to overlook -- that another human being will see you naked. (What shame!).
Thus, if you don't talk about it, you won't think about it, so you won't do it, and you'll be safe.
Fifth Rule of Sex: You're going to talk about sex, notwithstanding Rule Four. Note the obvious contradiction. Know where and when to talk about it, and with whom.
Apparently, discussions about sex among women take on a different connotation when men enter the room. And when men contribute to these conversations, women tend to throw their cocktails in men's faces.
Not to mention that talking out loud to yourself about sex will not earn you many friends, and will probably make you lose those few you have.
Very strange indeed.
Sixth Rule of Sex: Don't talk about the rules of sex.
You take for granted the existence of rules when the rules aren't written down for everyone to read. This is even more so when no one talks about the rules, but it makes sense, as no one can agree on what the rules even are. (Note the contradictions throughout this article.)
Do you notice, now, how utterly silly our society's views on sex are once you've taken the time to read them? Wouldn't it be more worthwhile, then, just to have open and earnest discussions on how we came to be, than simply declaring the subject off-limits?