Ten-hut! Look alive, you sap-sucking excuse for a soldier! Living among people is a dangerous enterprise. The problem with most people is that they are human beings, and I'm glad I'm not one. Learn these techniques, and there may be hope yet for your survival in modern society.
Tempered Indifference
Sometimes, silence is the best answer. This is true when any answer other than silence can hurt your position. Since this tactic is effectively inaction, it is the least aggressive deployment in your arsenal. Even so, with shrewd usage it can be an effective weapon.
The Wife: "You left the toilet seat up again!"
You: "..."
In this example, you have neither conceded your position nor refuted the issue posited. You have also set yourself to plausibly deny the circumstances presented, if pressured. Taking it a step further, where circumstances permit, you can plausibly deny you actually heard the statement. When properly applied, the target may eventually forget why it accosted you in the first place, or simply give up altogether.
This is the weapon of choice of husbands everywhere.
The Radar Jammer
This technique works best when you need to end a conversation quickly and there is little chance of collateral damage (i.e., causing an incident that might embarrass you). When done properly, it stuns the target into a perplexed silence, granting you a few precious moments in which to make a hasty retreat. It works best when delivered in a hurried, self-important, preferably deadpan tone of voice, and when the subject matter of your sentence is absurd or shocking.
Sidewalk Activist: "Sign my petition?"
You: "Can't, sorry. I left the oven on at home and my dog's on fire."
In the above example, clearly (hopefully), you have lied about your oven being left on. You have conducted a value judgment in which the benefit of escaping the conversation outweighs the cost of lying. Your dog will not be happy.
The radar jammer is a technique of moderate aggression. Thus, it should be used where the situation warrants, or when Tempered Indifference fails. Do not overuse this technique in too short a period, as its effects will sharply drop off after the first salvo. If, after launching the Radar Jammer you cannot escape in time, or the technique fails to work, it may be reattempted, but its chances of success are impaired.
The Punctuated Freakout
This is the flip-side of, and the payoff to, Tempered Indifference. It is the double-edged sword in your armory, honed to a ludicrous edge. Caution is advised when considering this weapon, for it is just as important to know when to use it as when not to, as it becomes markedly less effective each time it is deployed. Thus, it is the nuclear warhead of your armaments.
The reason this technique is called the Punctuated Freakout is because you must first have mastered Tempered Indifference. You must have cultivated a reputation for being even-tempered for this to work to its fullest. Hence, your "Freakout," as we'll discuss later, is "Punctuated," or rarely seen, but appropriately triggered given the circumstances.
The "Freakout" portion must be precisely that. Freaking out is an art that escapes precise definition, but one aspect remains constant: you must go all out. You cannot execute a halfway Punctuated Freakout, much as you cannot halfway launch a continent-incinerating nuclear missile. Common aspects of freakouts include: blind rage, shouting, flipping tables, tossing chairs, kicking down cubicle walls, tossing computer monitors out windows, flinging documents into the air, sweeping the contents of a desktop to the floor, punching wall plaques, etc.
A Punctuated Freakout may get you fired (or promoted, or arrested), will likely get your point across, and will certainly be memorable, but most importantly, it will get your point across.
Yes, I did repeat that part. Got a problem with that? I didn't think so.
Tempered Indifference
Sometimes, silence is the best answer. This is true when any answer other than silence can hurt your position. Since this tactic is effectively inaction, it is the least aggressive deployment in your arsenal. Even so, with shrewd usage it can be an effective weapon.
The Wife: "You left the toilet seat up again!"
You: "..."
In this example, you have neither conceded your position nor refuted the issue posited. You have also set yourself to plausibly deny the circumstances presented, if pressured. Taking it a step further, where circumstances permit, you can plausibly deny you actually heard the statement. When properly applied, the target may eventually forget why it accosted you in the first place, or simply give up altogether.
This is the weapon of choice of husbands everywhere.
The Radar Jammer
This technique works best when you need to end a conversation quickly and there is little chance of collateral damage (i.e., causing an incident that might embarrass you). When done properly, it stuns the target into a perplexed silence, granting you a few precious moments in which to make a hasty retreat. It works best when delivered in a hurried, self-important, preferably deadpan tone of voice, and when the subject matter of your sentence is absurd or shocking.
Sidewalk Activist: "Sign my petition?"
You: "Can't, sorry. I left the oven on at home and my dog's on fire."
In the above example, clearly (hopefully), you have lied about your oven being left on. You have conducted a value judgment in which the benefit of escaping the conversation outweighs the cost of lying. Your dog will not be happy.
The radar jammer is a technique of moderate aggression. Thus, it should be used where the situation warrants, or when Tempered Indifference fails. Do not overuse this technique in too short a period, as its effects will sharply drop off after the first salvo. If, after launching the Radar Jammer you cannot escape in time, or the technique fails to work, it may be reattempted, but its chances of success are impaired.
The Punctuated Freakout
This is the flip-side of, and the payoff to, Tempered Indifference. It is the double-edged sword in your armory, honed to a ludicrous edge. Caution is advised when considering this weapon, for it is just as important to know when to use it as when not to, as it becomes markedly less effective each time it is deployed. Thus, it is the nuclear warhead of your armaments.
The reason this technique is called the Punctuated Freakout is because you must first have mastered Tempered Indifference. You must have cultivated a reputation for being even-tempered for this to work to its fullest. Hence, your "Freakout," as we'll discuss later, is "Punctuated," or rarely seen, but appropriately triggered given the circumstances.
The "Freakout" portion must be precisely that. Freaking out is an art that escapes precise definition, but one aspect remains constant: you must go all out. You cannot execute a halfway Punctuated Freakout, much as you cannot halfway launch a continent-incinerating nuclear missile. Common aspects of freakouts include: blind rage, shouting, flipping tables, tossing chairs, kicking down cubicle walls, tossing computer monitors out windows, flinging documents into the air, sweeping the contents of a desktop to the floor, punching wall plaques, etc.
A Punctuated Freakout may get you fired (or promoted, or arrested), will likely get your point across, and will certainly be memorable, but most importantly, it will get your point across.
Yes, I did repeat that part. Got a problem with that? I didn't think so.
