A friend of mine was considering names for his soon-to-be-born first child and asked my opinion. During what would normally be a happy occasion, we nearly came to blows, all over a disagreement on baby names. For the sake of the forthcoming child, I'll not mention the name his parent suggested. Suffice it to say that some parents aren't qualified to name their pet goldfish.

Apparently, some countries have gotten so fed up with random fistfights over baby names that they've passed laws on just this subject. Countries with baby-name legislation have an "approved" list of baby names, and forbid parents from naming their children anything else. Generally, countries with this sort of law will not register a child given an unauthorized name, and birth records will simply reflect "Girl" or "Boy" on that child's vital record. This brings up a creepy tangent -- what happens to a child who grows to adulthood and yet is a non-citizen? I personally don't know, nor do I know anyone in that predicament. Even so, the threat of social ostracism, or being a living non-person, tends to scare parents into naming their kids something acceptable, for the benefit of everyone else.

Sadly, I don't live in a country that values that benefit. Americans consider it their liberty to name their children anything they want, going so far as to call it an important, constitutionally-protected expression.

Apparently, then, a parent's liberty to name his child Bonkzillius (a name I just made up, but I've heard worse) outweighs the eighteen years of ridicule, shame, and abuse that child will endure until he becomes an adult, when he may legally change his name to Steve.

Before you throw bricks at me and label me a fascist, consider this: do we really want all the sci-fi geeks naming their kids Hyperion? Do we want all the roleplaying game nerds calling their progeny Excelsior? Or all the doctors' kids Caduceus? Or the lawyers' Res Ipsa?

Hell, can we put up with all the carnies naming their kids Spin-A-Whirly, after the ride in which those children were conceived?

I don't think I can, nor would I want to.

Empirical studies have proven that with proper discipline, most fairly intelligent primates and even some children can be taught to behave.

When I was growing up, there was no such thing as time-out. Whenever I acted out of line, my parents smacked me in the jaw with a sandal, a ladle, or whatever else was at hand. Depending on what theories you adhere to, I turned out all right because of, or in spite of, timely application of corporal discipline.

After getting smacked enough times (I'm a slow learner), two truths dawned on me: (1) getting smacked in the mouth really hurts, and (2) behavior that results in my getting smacked in the mouth should be avoided.

Eventually, it came to be that force was no longer necessary, because the threat of getting smacked was enough. I'd get "The Look," that halting stare that my mother would level at me whenever I drew dangerously close to trying her patience. 

This one's for you, mom.