New Year's Resolution: Stop Being Human

The human race is overrated. Humans have had a good run these past few thousand years, but of late they've gone into decline. Watch about ten minutes of prime-time TV for proof enough of this fact.

 It's time humans quit while they're ahead, else they continue making total jackasses of themselves and keep ruining everything for everyone else - because that's all they're good at these days.

Since I don't have the luxury of moving to another planet like Professor Farnsworth (see picture), my resolution for next year is this: I will stop being human. Here's how I intend to do it.

- I will not tolerate others' stupidity - unless I am paid by the hour, in advance.
- I will not compromise myself and later seek help. Help never comes, or comes with strings attached.
- I will not fool myself into thinking anyone really cares.
- I will not trust my friends further than I can throw them, but will make sure I am bigger than my friends.
- I will not trick myself into thinking I have friends.
- I will not swallow my anger, even if others think me rude - they deserve every inch of it.
- I will not despair. I am not the problem, others are. They'll have to deal with it, not me.
- I will not be like most people. The problem with people is that they are human beings, and I'm glad I'm not one.

So long, suckers. I'd wish you all the best of luck, but that'd be a lie because I really couldn't care less. All things considered, neither do you.