Now more than ever, war is high-tech. The men and women fighting battles across the globe are counting on you to get them the gear they need to get the job done. As a battlefield logistics officer, your role is crucial to their success. Your mission: watch blips on a screen representing supply convoy movements. Do this all day, every day.
Experience the thrill of moving tons of high-tech vehicles and bullets across the world. You won't actually get to use them, but you'll get to see them move slowly across your screen as they arrive at their destination in real-time.
It's well into March, and we're still doing our Christmas returns - you know, returning Christmas gifts we never asked for, don't have a use for, or that just plain suck. Such as, for instance, these two video games shipped to our offices in late 2014.
Battlefield Logistics Officer: Real-Time Logistics
Sensible Driver II: The Highway
Would I ever like to shake the hand of the man who told me macaws make good pets. I'd pull his hand right off at the wrist. That damn bird is the second incarnation of Stalin.
You feed it, you teach it to speak, and what thanks do you get? Cockeyed stares and the occasional: "Hello?" -always asked, never spoken, and always with a sarcastic lilt. And when it rains the feathered fiend goes into a screaming fit like a dot matrix printer with a terminal paper jam.
But it's smart, I'll give it that. It's smart enough to know how to screw with my head, and enjoy it. I've shouted "No!" at it enough times that now it shouts it right back.
"Wanna shut up?"
"Want I should wring your neck?"
That's not all. Get this. At work, when I get phone calls, I'm required to answer by stating my first name. I've been at that office for fifteen years, so the custom has followed me into my home life.
The bird knows my name and mimics me perfectly. Worse, it knows the sound it imitates is my name.
You don't know the meaning of disconcerting until you hear yourself speak your name - except it's not you saying it.
We're all about promoting literacy - it's good for business when your business is writing (smirk). Today, we discuss an internet language known as L33tsp34k (pronounced LEET-SPEAK).
As a language, L33tsp34k is believed to have originated on internet bulletin board systems (BBS's) in the 1980's. The "L33t" portion stood for "elite" - those who had the greatest access rights to a particular BBS. The term was also often written as Leet, L33t, and most commonly in all numbers as 1337.
This crash course is by no means a complete study on L33tsp34k, but it's a start.
Rule #1 - The rules are not to be followed consistently.
Rule #2 - Substitute numbers and symbols for the letters they most resemble. Do this at random, as often as possible. Thus, the number 4 or "/\" can be substituted for "A"; the number 7 or "+" can be swapped for "T". But 7 could just as easily stand in for "L".
Rule #3 - Use an ampersand (&) for all word sounds that resemble "and", "an", or "ant". Sometimes, a number 7 is substituted for the ampersand for the same usage. This is because the ampersand is typed by holding the shift key while striking the 7 key - though sometimes, such as when typing quickly, typos occur. As a result, "sandbox" becomes "s&box"; "banned" becomes "b&", and so on.
Rule #4 - Emphasize words with the suffix "-zorz" or "-xorz". The phrase, "You rock!" becomes "Joo r0xorz!"
Rule #5 - When verbs end in "ed", either: drop the "e" and add an apostrophe; or just drop the "e"; or drop "ed" and replace with "t". All are correct.
Rule #6 - Some words have their own meaning within the language. For example: "owned", "p'owned", "pwn'd", "pwnt" all mean the same thing - to "be owned" means to get beaten soundly. "W00t" (written with zeroes) is a celebratory exclamation that sometimes carries an ironic sense. A "n00b" (also with zeroes) or "newb" or even "nub" is a neophyte. This is generally a derogatory term. "Teh" is an intentional misspelling of "the" which started off as an unintentional misspelling. It means "the", but can also be used to add emphasis in the same way the word "very" is used.
Think you know your stuff? Take a look at the Contract For P'ownership below.
CONTR4CT FOR P’WN3R$HIP
Know /\77 n00bs by +h3#4 pr3sent$:
I. Identification of parties
w00t! The p/\rty of the first part is the l337 h4X0rs. l337 h4X0rs po$$ess the l337 skillz to pwn nubcake.
The party of the $econd part is the n00b suX0rs. (><). n00b suX0rs are teh weaksauce.
II. Transfer of P’wn3r$hip
ph34r my 1337 sk1LLz! n00b suX0rs hereby tr4n$fer$ 0wnage to l337 h4X0rs, whereupon l337 h4X0r shall 0wn n00b suX0rs. l337 h4X0rs g3t$ /\ll teh h34ds0t$ on newbz. It is under$tood that n00b suX0rs bl0wz0rs, so l337 h4X0rs will accomplish the requi$it3 number of HS in m|nute$ because l337 h4X0rs are teh r0x0r$.
Once the r3qui$ite h34ds0t$ have been a++4in3d, n00b suX0rs shall cease to be own3d and in$tead be pwn3d. Tran$f3r of p’wn3r$hip shall then be compl3t3d.
Proc3dure for n00b suX0rs f4ilur3 to transf3r own3r$ship shall be as follow$:
After first notice: warning in the form of “OMGZ WTF?!!!11one!!1”
After second notice: l337 h4X0r shall h4xx0rz n00b suX0rs b0x, causing n00b suX0rs PC to be spamm3d with “H0ly cr4pzorz j00 been 0wnzorzed upz quad dammaj pHre4kin n00b!1 lolz!” for five (5) consecutive days.
After third notice: !kick username: n00b suX0rs.
After fourth notice: !kick username: n00b suX0rs, in the head.
Signed, l337 h4X0r: ___________________
Signed, n00b suX0rs: ___________________
Attorney: E’li’†è Hàx0’r,
pwn4g3!1 PH33R MEH!!!