Unless you grew up under a rock or in a Tibetan monastery (or your monastery - in Tibet - happens to be located under a rock), you ought to be familiar with Nintendo's enormously popular Super Mario games. And if you knew anything of the Super Mario Brothers series, then you'd know Mario's primary antagonist is Bowser, the King of Koopas.
History has shown that Bowser has something of a one-track-mind. All the giant lizard / turtle / dragon king ever seems to do is kidnap the Princess Peach and take over the Mushroom Kingdom. Each time, Mario comes to the rescue, overthrowing Bowser and his minions.
Determining Bowser's address proved tricky, as royalty tend to be discreet. If the original Super Mario Brothers game is any indicator, then it's a safe bet Bowser makes his home in World 8, which is accessible through a generic green pipe. We're left now wondering: how much is postage to the Mushroom Kingdom?
Read our letter to Bowser below.
1450 Koopa Castle Drive
Mushroom Kingdom, World 8, Generic Green Pipe #3
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. We understand you are always busy plotting ways to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom, so we appreciate your time. If you would, your majesty, please take a moment to answer the following questions that have baffled us over the years.
Sir, we must commend you on the utter loyalty of your troops. You truly rule with an iron claw draped in a velvet glove. However you manage not to tear that glove with your claws is beyond us. Even so, through your effective leadership, your troops have achieved near-fanatical devotion to your cause. For example: you have trained the venerable Goomba to march tirelessly in one direction in search of Mario until it strikes an obstacle, in which case it reverses direction and walks on indefinitely. Then there's the Green Koopa Troopa, who like its Goomba comrade walks a similar pattern, except he is so devoted that he will happily throw himself into a ravine should his path come to an abrupt (and steep) end. How do you do it?
As the occasional (and temporary) conqueror of the Mushroom Kingdom, you probably have authority to install your children as dictators over each of its worlds. Nepotism runs in your blood, sir. But didn't you know that eventually they would cross paths with Mario? History has shown that Mario is more than a match for several of your children.
Similarly, why would you throw your most incompetent children into the fray first, in the easier worlds, and save your more adept children for the final, tougher worlds? We may be overstepping our bounds in saying so, but you probably don't like some of your kids too much.
As an aside, lordship, where did all these children come from? Was it an extra-marital affair? Because if so, you must really have one hefty child support bill. You are, after all, the baby-daddy to the seven lizard / turtle children running around your kingdom. And is it no coincidence that you always seem to have as many children as there are worlds in the Mushroom Kingdom that need rulers?
Just what do you see in Princess Toadstool? Forgive us for saying so, but she's not you’re type, and you're not hers. Now, we're sure you might have other reasons for abducting her: Koopa Castle is a big place, and no one expects you to clean all of its windows yourself.
Sire, have you watched that video on YouTube of that guy who beat Super Mario Brothers 3 in about 15 minutes? Because we did, and let us just say that must have been a dark day for you. Why didn't you use the same strategy employed in Super Mario Brothers 1? Remember? In those days you threw an unholy barrage of horizontal fireballs, paired with a confounding vertical arc of hammers. It was a genius tactic - Mario had to do a Mexican hat dance just to dodge all those deadly projectiles. And those hammers were utterly impassable to Mario, unless he willingly threw himself into the wall of pain, sacrificed his power-up, and used his temporary invincibility to pull the bridge release switch.
Two hits. That's all you needed to be rid of Mario. Just two hits.
As a side note, your lordship, you shouldn't stand on bridge over lava, if the bridge release switch is directly behind you. Perhaps you should have your Koopa Troopa engineers rethink your castle design.